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Tuesday, September 30, 2003
went for e exam prep talk today. quite interesting. quite enriching. quite motivating.
i've got this belief tt i'll be able to make it for As. i'm aiming for 4ABC. i'll be elated if i were to get tt. i believe i can push myself to achieve this aim. things dont seem to be bringing me as much stress as before. i dont noe y but i cant be bothered to find out. i jus hope it'll stay this way. i dunno y i seemed so depressed recently. i jus LOVE this feeling. PS:i do not & will not believe tt i'm suffering from bipolar disorder. even tho many sypmtoms point tt way, i will only believe i'm suffering from it if certified so by a mental health care pro. oh btw, i dun intend to go see one. Sunday, September 28, 2003
ooooo.. apparently e posting section underwent a facelift. totally caught my by surprise.. n my bro did a system restore on my com..
bao! what secret admirer u talking abt?? jan,it seems as tho i really do hv bipolar disorder!feeling kinda high now(elaboration below) hadi,i tried to tag u n sign ur gb but both cannot so i shall post my comment here. haha i'm feeling high. no, not frm drugs. jus emotionally high. e feeling jus came to me without even knocking on my door! how rude rite? but at least i'm happy(i think). so happy tt it doesnt matter to me whether she likes me or not. as long as i noe i like her, tt's enuff. for now. (haha none of u noe who she is. iz really not who u think cos i havent told anybody abt it) hmm..bipolar disorder.sounds cool! smtg like mood swings. rem me of all american rejects' song, swing swing. haha! oh ya. hadi, i think rite, i prefer to believe this erm quote "get brave and get crushed" Saturday, September 27, 2003
changed e text color so it'll be easier to run.. i mean read..
this leads to: bah!i wanna go LP live in m'sia!! 15 oct! but i can't! got appt. cmpb refer me to nuh. this leads to: i havent even gotten my pes status. my frens already getting date of enlistment. jus wait lor this (sumhow) leads to: i'm tired of complaining abt my life. now i jus wanna be e listening ear, e shoulder to cry on etc etc et cetera. weeeeee.... i'm feeling happy! happy happy happy happy!!!! feel like bouncing ard. boinky boinky boinky boinky! "wrap tt feelin n throw it out ya window, for there is no space in ya life now for it. jus make sure u wrap it nicely so tt someone may pick it up n feel it." oh n i made 15cents today. haha picked up from e floor =) Wednesday, September 24, 2003
hey fellas!i'm still trying to digest wad y'all said..
gang, hadi!those pple i was ref to, they're not u! gang,i read wad u typed(was well worth me time), thanks! btw mind if i link ur blog? jan,there's one recent entry i said i hv no dreams anymore. "fairyprincess" thanks for ur comment!well, u say u dunno me n i dunno u,how's abt getting to noe each other? thanks anyway! all in all,i noe i've got TRUE friends =) latest update regarding hons nite: e school (i can nvr understand y) insists on me rcving e award.not attending e ceremony w/o a valid reason (my prev reason is considered invalid btw) wud land me in lots of trouble wif e disciplinary committee.aft reconsideration,i decided to push my case for not going thru my other excuse, tt is, stagefright. tho i felt like an obj wen harvey told me to see mark ng abt it cos iz beyond him n wen i saw mark ng, he called harvey to let him decide, at least they accepted my excuse(i was really vibrating wen i was talking to him liao!). i didnt want to tell 'em abt it at 1st cos i thought they'd make me face my fear. i cant do so rite now cos of some other stuffs. so it is confirmed tt i'm not attending e ceremony n i'm not in more trouble. only thing is, they want me to take e thing frm e office say, on monday. i feel i've disappointed my team once more. tt's how i feel. about today: hmm..e hons nite thing basically ruled my mind for most of e day in sch. oh ya!there was some exhibition or smtg outside lt1. think iz e mindef scholarships. saw a couple of police officers in uniform. i say, they look great! if only i could be like them..ok den aft sch today nobody wanted to stay back tt's y i'm home early.but stayed in sch till abt 330 den went to eat at clementi wif mas.actually i jus accompanied her la cos i was already full.den she met her mum at clementi npc(she works there) n i went home.early. alex said smtg abt me yest which i didnt even realise. iz like e rest of e world want to go home asap but i'm always wanting to stay in sch longer. haha till next time! Monday, September 22, 2003
itz abt time i fill u in abt some negative things abt me(if u havent yet known).
1)i hv a very weak will power which makes me give up very easily. i like to give up. run away from my problems. heck, i asked harvey to relieve me of my duty as captain not once, not twice but 3 times. i could've appealed to retain my 4th A sub but no, i withdrew even after pauline kan said she'd be willing to lemme do 4 subs. i'm a quitter. i roughly knew wad i had to do to do 4 subs but jus couldnt push myself to do it. 2)lacks self-confidence. this is probly e cause for (1) above. more evidence: there was e smu presentation this morning, e moment e lady said class participation is worth at least 20% of final yr's grades, i believed tt going there would be suicidal. her mini-emphasis on active participation merely served to provoke a sense of fear in me. i ended up shivering at e end of e presentation(but then i've been trembling a lot these 2/3 days) 3)the presence of pple who hate me for being me makes me hate myself too, especially when some of those pple.. nvm.. u may think, oh well, there he went again.. let me tell u this.i noe of someone who thinks my will power is so weak, not as great as tt person's.as a result,i gotta spend a very long time to lift myself when i could hv used e time to do other stuff.it's all because i've been misunderstood n tt person was e one to say tt of me. as these days pass, i'm well n truly becoming, numb. Sunday, September 21, 2003
prelim results were bad, very bad. i was 3 marks away frm my 2nd ever non-F for phys exam, 1 mark away frm a better grade for econs, failed gp n math was e worst result for an exam since last yr's term exam. worse still, i've been mizunderstood. call it my fault for not speaking up.
"i've already lost sumone because of YOU! i'm on e verge of losing another!" God, forgive me for saying tt abt them. to my classmates. should hv done this a looooong time ago. i'm sorry tt i wasted so much of ur class time cos i fell ill so many times in e middle of e lesson. i feel guilty for not having taken better care of myself. i'm sorry for wasting ur time in class also by distracting u pple(talking etc) n doing nonsense things. so here's e deal. i wont disturb u peeps anymore k. its time to really pay attention. now or never. kian bin, i appreciate ur concern, thank you my fren. i'm well n truly ok. jus being serious in e morning. guess i look weak when i'm serious huh? so tt's y I'M confused when u pple say i look weak wen i feel alritey! Wednesday, September 17, 2003
guess those who read me blog probly noe tt i'm not taking my award for hons nite. e main reason iz cos e rest excl hichael arent getting aything. k, harvey says iz coz he doesnt think tt they deserve it cos they didnt show as much commitment as he expected or for other reasons. i feel tt it was partly my responsibilty to hv gotten at least e best outta every single person tt graced e guys' hockey scene. so since i failed to do tt, i dun tink i deserve any award.
my classmates said i acted differently today but i felt tt i was normal. i dunno who's right. aft some reviewing of prelim papers, i realise one thing: i'm gonna fail physics. again. this time iz more depressing if i really dun pass. "things started off brightly wen sch reopened. iz steadily turning into a real nitemare." Saturday, September 13, 2003
i hv to do it. i gotta do it. must fight this anger. i noe listening to LP(sorry! dun mean it in a bad way cos LP roxxx!), disturbed. adema, metallica n all will only induce anger. tho i'm addicted, i must fight it. perhaps i shud heed BQ's advice. go buy frank sinatra's cd. wtH.
i take back wad i said jus hrs ago. abt e narco officer. it's not my dream anymore. now i m a person (dun qualify to be a man yet) who hasnt a dream. n i'm not abt to get get one. i've had enuff of dreams, for now. it's time to live e real life. stop dreaming. get wad i mean?? oh no. i'm beginning to sound like sumONE. y cant i be me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
junior narcotics officer.
that's my current dream. it'll remain a dream unless i get pes b status. i'm not ruling it out just yet since i havent completed e check ups. i believe there's still tt little glimmer of hope. i hope so. crazy guy. pple rather get pes c so can slack more durg ns, u wan a B. wadeva. changed my mind abt e hons nite thing. i'm going. interesting. but if i dun go, shud i tell e pe tchrs or jus happily dun go for e rehearsals?? i dunno. i'm not in e rite mind to make tt decision. hey man, it's me. i think u're crazy. one day u say u'll do this, e nx day u do e opposite. u r jus crazy man! wtf! aniwaez, can u keep still while i say wad i hv to say? always moving ard. i noe ur ass hurts but jus sit there. oh ya. almost 4got. u now wad, u r one stupid stubborn f88k. pple tell u to take care of ur eyes, wad u do? sit in front of e com 5 hrs straight every day. i'm sure tt's called taking care of ur eyes. n wad's this nonsense abt being antisocial n all. pls ah. u & i noe how cooped up u feel wen u r at home n not smsing anybody at least. u want attention but hv no idea how to get it. u thought being crazy mite work. well, it did, initially. but when u kept on being crazy, pple got real pissed at u. now u hv to pay 4 wad u did. dun come looking for me again wen wad u're facing r jus consequences of ur actions. but on e other hand, i pity u sometimes. it saddens me to see u fail time n again. sorry but tho ur intentions r gd, ur actions r bad, real bad. i noe u no longer look to e future like u hv done in e past but trust me, ur future is brighter than u think. tt is, of course, u dun screw it up like u hv done wif e majority of ur life. pretty long shit i wrote here. not too sure u'll be able to digest it. so, jus keep up e lousy work. we noe u love to be hurt. Wednesday, September 10, 2003
System of a Down - ATWA
Hey you, see me, pictures crazy All the world I've seen before me passing by I've got nothing, to gain, to lose All the world I've seen before me passing by You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more Hey you, are me, not so pretty All the world I've seen before me passing by Silent my voice, I've got no choice All the world I've seen before me passing by You don't cae about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more I don't see, anymore I don't hear, anymore I don't speak, anymore I don't feel Hey you, see me, pictures crazy All the world I've seen before me passing by I've got nothing, to gain, to lose All the world I've seen before me passing by You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more You don't care about how I feel I don't feel it any more I don't sleep, anymore I don't eat, anymore I don't live, anymore I don't feel chat wif xq last nite. sort of a "story" was produced. very thought provoking.... irritating. tt was me. i noe it now. hence, silent i shall be. antisocial, i will become. it doesnt matter to me anymore. all u pple probly will be relieved. tt e pesticide has put an end to e pest. n given birth to the bitterfly. yes, bitterfly. tt is me. Monday, September 08, 2003
".... the journey is more important than the end or the start ...."
-Linkin Park (In The End Reanimation mix a.k.a. Enth E ND) Saturday, September 06, 2003
WARNING: volatile soul typing.
e nitemarez of this yr are coming back to haunt me. some shitz r happening again. i cant believe it. haiz. iz times like these when i jus dun give a fuck anymore. u hurt me, i hurt u back. no qns asked. blame me & i'll blame u. shut up! still havent taken e honours nite invitation form from harvey a.k.a. batman(he insists he's batman). well, i dun intend to take it anyways. i do not wish to go. i do not wish to rcv e wadeva. if i go, it's like i'm being awarded 4 my failure. (hello! u hv failed. here, hv an award.) i noe a few pplez arent happy tt they not getting anything. haiz. aniwaez. go read today's (saturday 06/09/03) new paper pg 6&7. smtg abt a guy who's obsessed wif a girl who rejected him. interesting stuff. Tuesday, September 02, 2003
i didnt go out wif them class yesterday. again. why? i jus didnt feel like going out la. went out wif my parents on sunday anw so i was a little tired. anw mum took half a day off yesterday cos i didnt hv 2 go sch so i couldnt go out. she took e leave to accompany me at home but i'm not sure whether itz quite necessary since i dun communicate well wif my family members. and i was studying n sleeping e whole afternoon while she was cooking. some company eh? dunno la.
i found out a very possible cause for my chest pains. stress. i found out thru.. nvm.. i didnt think it could be stress until yesterday cos my mind sure didnt feel stressed. but i guess my subconcious mind was/is and my body has been trying to tell me tt for weeks. gotta listen to my body more often. u too.
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